| Todd Grisham | Warfare's main event promises to be a wild one. One of the--
Todd pauses in mid-sentence. He seems uncomfortable. Was it something we did? Maybe he doesn't like our vibe. He should relax. He's backstage at an arena named after a donut company. Donuts make people happy. And fat. And soft. Or maybe he's just a tad stressed because Raven and Tiffany are standing so close they can practically breathe on him. He tries to create a little distance but these hallways don't offer much of that. Now I understand not wanting to be near Raven. He's intimidating, two hundred something pounds and has a violent history. He tosses an arm around Todd to keep him from squirming about so much. But Tiffany? She's a pretty girl in a form squeezing yellow dress with a violet flower in her hair. She would probably look pretty wholesome if it weren't for the dark rings under her eyes. She circles a finger around the tie Todd's wearing to keep his tongue still.
I guess I should try and soothe things so we can get this thing moving. I glide over to Todd, the buckles on my white motorcycle jacket clinging with each step, and grace a finger or two across his face.
| Brian Kendrick | Shh, shh, shh...
He pulls away and tries to press on.
| Todd Grisham | Um, Brian, at our last pay per view you can extremely close to becoming the number one contender for the World Championship. Your thoughts?
| Brian Kendrick | I put on a performance of a life time didn't I? Managed to pin another former World Champion in the process. Hey, congratulations to Wade. Maybe he will make enough money to go out and buy a tattoo that actually looks like something. Let him go out there and drone through that whole "I demand my shot" routine. Being painfully dull suits him so much.
| Todd Grisham | Your performance must have impressed someone--
| Brian Kendrick | Lucky me.
| Todd Grisham | --as your in the main event this week against The Undertaker in a Falls Count Anywhere Match.
With a small grin I give Todd's cheek a pat and my cohorts step aside to give him a tiny bit of space.
| Brian Kendrick | Oh. The Undertaker. I'm scared. Can you tell? I'm just really, really petrified right now. The man from the dark side. The phenom. The..new Intercontinental Champion?
I tap at my chin and glance to Tiffany who only offers a clueless shrug.
| Todd Grisham | Well, there is some controversy surrounding that. There hasn't been an official announcement just yet.
| Brian Kendrick | Right. Because The Undertaker spliced together voice clips using his mystical powers and just decided the title belonged to him. That doesn't sound very sporting to me. But I'm not here to judge. Unlike The Miz, I actually do respect what The Undertaker is capable of. The man is an institution. And for that reason, and that reason only, I am looking forward to this match.
| Todd Grisham | You're looking forward to a Falls Count Anywhere match with THE UNDERTAKER?
| Brian Kendrick | What is he going to do to me?! Huh? He has nothing! NOTHING. He can't make me fear him and there is nothing he can do to me that I have not already done to myself. Look, look, look..look at me..
Grasping Todd by the chin, I force him to look towards my eyes.
| Brian Kendrick | Do I look like someone that has enough sense to be scared? All of that overwhelming power and he can't do anything with it. I hope he starts with the head. That way I get disoriented and can't feel anything else initially. He is a LEGEND to the fans, to the boys in the back and to the brain trusts who run this place. But I..I don't think we need any legends. He's been glorified enough. So I am looking forward to tearing down this myth that has been worshiped for so many years. And while he doesn't have his crew around anymore to back him up..
Spreading my arms, I motion to the veteran and the diva at either side of me.
| Todd Grisham | Are you saying you're going to cheat?
| Brian Kendrick | This is Falls Count Anywhere. I can't control who is or isn't around when the match is taking place.
| Raven | You see, Todd, it's painfully obvious that The Undertaker doesn't have it anymore. He has always relied on chicanery but at this point it's the only thing that is even getting him through. It's your basic Cask of Amontillado principal. Whatever he used to be has been shackled in a tomb and left for dead for years.
| Todd Grisham | Cask of what?
| Raven | I'm not going to dumb it down for you, nor will I for our ignorant and coddled viewers. It will be found, in fact, that the ingenious are always fanciful, and the truly imaginative never otherwise than analytic.
| Brian Kendrick | I remember the Undertaker when I was a kid. He didn't need the scary music or magic tricks. What happened, 'Taker? Did your balls drop off? Hm? Do you remember when The Undertaker used to stuff his beaten opponents into body bags? Body bags just like this one?
Tiffany removes the black cadaver pouch and holds it to her side, modeling it as if she were about to sell it on a shopping network.
| Tiffany | Sleek. Affordable. Slimming.
Gently taking the bag into my grasp, I proceed to unzip it, stretch it out a bit, and hold it in front of my blond cohort. She meekly smiles and looks down to her high heels, pointing to them as well.
| Tiffany | But these shoes are really new and fancy.
| Brian Kendrick | Suppose we can just ship you back off to Vince.
| Tiffany | Body bags! Alright! I'm all about them!
After removing her foot wear, Tiffany wiggles her way inside of the body bag as I continue to hold it open for her. After she's tucked inside I zip her up nice and neat from head to toe. She is just a featureless black form now.
| Brian Kendrick | This is so you.
Cupping where her chin should be, or where I imagine it is, I gently stroke around the top of her head and turn to our apprehensive interviewer who looks to be in a state of dismay.
| Brian Kendrick | This is what Undertaker used to represent. Claustrophobia. Nothingness. Finality. People dreaded facing him for those reasons. He was simply a big, unrelenting killing machine. I plan on giving him a reminder, albeit a brief one. For a fleeting moment he will be able to remember the man he used to be. Just..before..I end him. It's a real juxtaposition, isn't it? I had a glimpse of what it's like to be on top and getting a win over the Undertaker will get me back there. His reputation will be my stepping stone.
Stepping off camera with Raven trailing along, I leave Todd with the wiggling black bag. It looks about, blindly, before hopping along after us. The muffled sound carrying a hint of agitation.
| Tiffany | Mm!
|||||
After my appearance at an Oklahoma news station a few months back, I haven't been able to secure very many like that since. I told the higher ups that I would behave more professionally this time. Besides, they need to spread the wealth. Orton, Miz and Cena aren't the only one's who deserve to be showcased and promoted. I'm not alone as Raven and Tiffany are joining me on this endeavor. We're shooting a pilot for a new game show called "Quiz-Crash". The gimmick is you answer questions and then get to demean yourself by running through some obscene obstacle course that is designed to knock you into water, pudding or something equally as moronic. All for prizes. This is the kind of thing our culture thrives on. The host is..well..I have no idea who the hell he is. I'm assuming a failed musician who was pretty enough to mug for the camera's. That fucker from Sugar Ray? I don't care. It's really bright in her and the set is white which doesn't help much. The obstacle course sets off to the side and the crowd is ugly..even by pro wrestling standards. They have the three of us standing behind white podiums with a red circle, an orange square and a blue triangle on each of them, respectively. This awful, cheesy music is playing and the "APPLAUSE" sign flashes. The host grins in his tacky suit and waves. I'm not entirely paying attention. I make out things like..
"..FEATURING EBWF SUPERSTARS!"
From a booming, hidden announcers voice. This bright ass light stops on Tiffany first. She's wearing a sparkly blue dress, another flower in her hair, and some weird, white, fur vest. And way more glitter than any human being should ever need. She does an odd little dance and flashes a peace sign sideways at the side of her head.
| Tiffany | Hi! I'm Tiffany! I'm classy and available. And I used to be a cheerleader! How does that work for you, boys?
"BZZT! BZZT! BZZT!"
She begins to repeatedly press her buzzer despite the fact that the show hasn't even started yet. The camera quickly cuts to Raven. He isn't exactly dressed for television. He looks like a vagrant, as always, and sneers. He seems to be speaking directly to the camera man when he utters this gem.
| Raven | I'm never kinder to someone than right before I kill them.
Yep, the camera makes a hasty retreat. I'm wearing a black suit. A suit that looks like I've slept in it for three days straight after being hit by a car..but a suit nonetheless. I simply clap slowly and try to absorb all of this banality. The host who said his name but I didn't care to remember starts speaking.
| Host | Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Quiz-Crash!
A pause for more clapping.
| Host | The show where you have to show your smarts AND your toughness! This is our first episode and what a doozy! We've got three EBWF Superstars competing today! Raven, Tiffany and Brian Kendrick! Are you three ready to play?
| Brian Kendrick | You bet.
| Tiffany | I really like your hair.
| Host | Now, before we begin, let's talk about something. By the time this episode airs, Brian, you will have gone one on one..with The Undertaker!
The cheers and applauds upon hearing that name.
| Host | Young or old, we all know who The Undertaker is. The man is a legend in your sport and has had an amazing career. What in the WORLD did you do to deserve this, Brian?
| Brian Kendrick | Just lucky, I guess.
| Host | Lucky?! That's crazy talk! I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, sir!
| Brian Kendrick | Well, I'm not crazy. I've just got a few plans, you understand.
| Host | Does one of those plans involve using a gun?
A pause to allow chuckling.
| Host | People are afraid of The Undertaker! He seriously keeps me up at night!
| Brian Kendrick | People should be afraid of me too. They really should.
| Host | Alright, let's say you manage to get that victory over The Undertaker. You get that BIG WIN over a name like that. What's next?
| Brian Kendrick | Is he really that big of a deal to you people?
All of this hero worship is beginning to grow sickening and I narrow my sight upon this human puppet dancing in front of me.
| Host | He is called The Phenom for a reason.
| Brian Kendrick | I'm going to beat The Undertaker. I'm going to make The Dead Man realize that he is alive, he is human, by hurting him. And then maybe I won't have to hear anymore about his precious legacy. ..Now when am I going to start winning some fabulous prizes? That obstacle course has my name written all over it.
It's so easy to get these people shouting and cheering again. A giant board lights up with various categories and the game begins. Tiffany constantly buzzes in but doesn't know the answer to anything. Raven knows the answers but won't buzz in. And that's when it happens. I grasp my throat loosely before falling over, cheek first onto my podium. The thud causes some startled noises. Upon closer inspection they find that my eyes are wide open and a growing pool of blood is forming underneath of my cause. Taping stops. Panic occurs. They assume I've had a drug overdose of some kind.
..Except I didn't. It's only a stunt. That evening my cell phone has gotten a dozen or so presumably angry voice mails. Didn't bother to check. What are they so outraged about? I'm just trying blur the lines of reality. I'm only trying to make some changes. They want controversy, they want more than wrestling and they want mainstream attention but when you give it to them they throw a fit. Some people just can't handle the spotlight.
