Zero Percent

In my line of work, you have to talk a lot. Most of the time none of it really means anything. It's just posturing and grand proclamations. But when you bitch about not getting any television time and in return your granted a shot to become a World Champion? That's a different matter all together. That is when you are forced to make an impact. I've stated before that I'm not particularly interested in titles. But I envision myself as the number one in this company and I kind of like it. I would have so much freedom that I'm practically salivating at the thought. So, unfortunately, I'm going to have to put forth a great deal of effort to accomplish this. A nightmare to be sure. But I think the end result would be more than worth it. 

Let's set the scene. My apartment. It's a mess. It looks like a place the homeless would come to take up dwelling. But who has time to clean with an opportunity like this? I've sat up a mini-camera to use as my portal to the outside world. I simply sit on a stool in front of it, slightly hunched over, with my hands beneath my waist. My long hair is disheveled and I haven't found the time to shave just yet. A lovely pair of dark rings are beginning to form underneath of my eyes.

As for the supporting cast? Raven is probably visible in the background, seated on my couch. My mentor of sorts. He doesn't want just any low life to be his successor so he choose me for the task. He's shown me the way of the ol' ultra violence and I think I'm carrying on pretty well. He's watching a movie called "A Serbian Film". The things it depicts are..disturbing to say the least. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone with a soul. I could barely stomach it myself. But that is precisely the reason I enjoy his company so much.

Then there is Tiffany. She doesn't look at all like she would fit in with us but looks are deceiving. After she was fired by Vince she had little place to turn. Except for us. We took her in and she wasn't horribly difficult to manipulate. Her default personality is that of a cheerleader. Who doesn't want a cheerleader hanging around them? But she can adjust to be whatever I want her to be. She's versatile like that. Where is she? Don't worry. You will see her in a moment. Got all that? Good. After tapping the lens of my nifty like camera, I feel it's time to get this show on the road.

| Brian Kendrick | Do you see what being proactive gets you? The squeaky wheel gets the oil. You show up to work unannounced, beat up a couple of nobodies, threaten to bring programming to a screeching halt every week and suddenly..you find yourself possibly contending for a World Title. Sometimes you just have to take that initiative and snatch what you want. But it isn't without it's snags, oh no, nothing is ever that simple. If I want to be a World Champion I only have to get through a war. A war with seven other people involved, with the same fresh meat being dangled in front of their starving faces. Three cages that are intended to maim, dismantle and otherwise injure us. I don't normally like to jump through hoops but for what's at stake here? I'll make an exception. It's going to be a violent and brutal affair. But I've got someone on my side who is wise in the ways of depravity and has been through things like this. Isn't that right, Raven?

| Raven | Sometimes in life we make our own choices. And sometimes a choice is made for us. And sometimes there is no choice. 

| Brian Kendrick | He says deep things like that all of the time. It's very inspiring. Despite having the wisdom of a butcher like Raven passed down to me, if there were odds for this match I would bet that most people would believe I have about a zero percent chance of winning. I'm the smallest one in the match, not like that's anything new, and there are bigger stars in this whole fiasco. Your Rocks, your Hardy's, your Barrett's. Hell, if I don't win this match you not see me scheduled for television for another month or so. But lest we forget, not too long ago I had two titles in my possession at the same time. Might I also remind you that I've actually defeated two former World Champions, including our beloved John Cena, the current and reigning cash cow. I have the capacity to be a champion again and I'll endure a beating to prove it. i hope my opponents are ready to reach down deep into themselves and pull out their most vicious, monstrous and cunning personalities to win this match. Because I am. And speaking of my opponents..           

Tiffany now steps into the frame behind me and she's dressed almost identically to one Jeffrey Nero Hardy. The black wife beater, the stupid little arm bands, loose fitting black pants and of course all of that ridiculous face paint. She points her fingers like a pair of pistols similar to Jeffery and mugs away.


| Brian Kendrick | I haven't actually seen much of Jeff around lately. And I know for a fact that it's not because NBC doesn't find him a "viable property". Jeff Hardy, for reasons that are beyond me, is beloved by the fans. So where is Hardy? Well, sadly, we all know that if Jeff is away for a period of time he may be..experimenting. He may have slipped back into old habits again. Tsk, tsk..


A wag of my finger is directed towards poor Jeffery. 


| Brian Kendrick | I can't stand people who can't handle their drugs. But Jeff and I have something in common. He's beaten John Cena and, in fact, is the only former World Champion in this match. But it seems as though he's had some difficulty regaining his once and former glory. And yes, he did manage to defeat me in a ladder match a couple of months ago. But that was only because he had an un-fair advantage. An entire police squad has trouble taking down someone hopped up on PCP so what was I expected to do? A little insider info. If you're a big Jeff fan and you were thinking of ordering the show? You might not want to crack open your piggy bank just yet. Jeff is probably still on day 20 of his 30 day suspension. Sorry kiddies. But if he does show up and he's fit to work? I would recommend that he not slap on any face paint. Because it's only going to get smeared with blood after I grind his face into the cage.

| Tiffany | Follow your dreams! 

My blonde little cohort removes a syringe from her baggy trousers, a fake mind you, and proceeds to shove it between the joint in her arm. Mimicking an overdose, she falls to the ground, twitching and convulsing before laying in silence.  The camera regains it's focus upon myself.


| Brian Kendrick | If you didn't see that coming..you haven't been paying very close attention. Also in my cage is The Necro Butcher. I suppose has some sort of an advantage since he's been labeled the "indy king of death matches". He knows how to take a chair shot from other out of shape wrestlers and he falls off things real good. But he couldn't beat Mickey Rourke and he isn't going to win this match either. I'm not trying to say that the man isn't intimidating because he clearly is. Obviously he doesn't care a great deal about the public's perception of him and I can almost respect that. He didn't get here because of his wrestling ability..he got here because he can fight. But that can only get you so far. Your skill set is limited, to say the least, Butcher. You aren't well rounded enough to deal with this kind on onslaught. So while I'm going to do everything I can to avoid your fists, I'll just let the others pile up on you and take you out of my hair.  

Tiffany has returned and she's clad in another wife beater, this time white and covered in holes, jean shorts in the same condition, bare foot and wearing a bald cap with tufts of hair in the back. And we can't forget that lovely tattoo of a pot leaf on the shoulder area.


| Tiffany | Choose death!


Removing a sharp butchers knife, an appropriate weapon I would think, she proceeds to run it over her wrist until a spray of red liquid comes flying out. It sprays and sprays while she crumbles to her knees, agonizes, and eventually falls flat on her face.


| Brian Kendrick | Rob Van Dam. What about you needs to be said that you haven't already said yourself? You're pretty full of yourself, aren't you? You wrestled in the original ECW so you this sort of thing is right up your alley. Except in a cage like this you might find yourself limited. Grounded. A lot of your fancy moves aren't going to be as effective here. You haven't exactly impressed me with your latest run here either. Have you been waiting for a moment like this to come along so you can suddenly break out the things that made you a champion in other promotions? We're all waiting, Rob. Whatever fans you might have left are probably growing impatient. But between you and me? I don't think this pay per view is going to but your time to shine. You don't have a chance, Robbie. Do yourself a favor, light up a few joints, forget where the arena is and don't bother showing up. I'm sure the execs will be pleasantly surprised when the body count is one less than they expected. ..Tiff?


Tiffany rolls into the shot, showing off some rather poor gymnastic skills. Much like Mr. Van Dam, she's wearing a black t-shirt with a dragon and yin yang symbols on it, as that seems to be the only thing The Whole F'N show ever wears. Her hair is pulled back into a pony tail and she points her thumbs to herself a couple of times.

| Tiffany | Rob. Van..

Pulling out a rather realistic pistol, she smooths her hand over it a few times before sliding the barrel into her mouth. With a muffled voice she utters..

| Tiffany | Dead. 


A rather loud shot is heard as she pulls the trigger flops back first onto a mattress positioned behind her. Her limbs are stretched outwards and smoke rises from where the imaginary gun shot took place.


| Brian Kendrick | That is everyone who is in my cage. I only have to face one more opponent after that but I have no idea who that is going to be. Due to the unpredictable nature of this match I've gone and prepared for every single possibility. Even Eric Young. I don't like you, Eric Young. I don't like your beady little eyes or your voice that sounds like you smoke twelve packs a day. I'm also convinced that you might be legally retarded. But stranger things have happened and you could be the one I face in that last cage. You might survive by some kind of fluke. I kind of hope it is you, actually. Because torturing you would really be the icing on the cake for me. That kind of thing would seriously set my New Year on the right track. You could be my shining, blood covered beacon that will strike fear into whomever the champion might be at the end of the night. You've got this kind of innocence..like a brain damaged puppy. I'll just go out and say it. I want my your blood to cover my hands so I can lick it off. I want to bathe in it.   



I have to stop myself by dragging my fingers slowly along my mouth and jaw. That isn't the proper way for the next World Champion to conduct himself, is it?

| Brian Kendrick | Just..train really hard. Get to the last cage. I won't say any more on the subject. Tiffany. Do your thing.

My master of disguise returns in a white t-shirt with a Canadian Maple Leaf on it. She copies Eric's paranoid mannerisms, slouched over with her hands wringing together. Her hands shift about and she speaks in a hectic pace.


| Tiffany | I..I don't know what to do. I..I think I'm..being watched. Yeah, yeah. Watched. I don't think I can take it anymore. I..I think..I..I..

Kneeling in front of a steel bucket of water, Tiffany submerged her face into the liquid. She grips the side tightly and writhes about with H2O filled screams. Finally she goes lifeless again and her hands go limp. 


| Brian Kendrick | Wade Barrett. The third member of our exclusive club of those of us who have defeated World Champions. You were just so close to beating Orton for that title a few months back, weren't you, Wade? But you couldn't even do it with Gabriel helping you out. For that disgrace, I don't think you should be allowed to even sniff near another shot like this. And I'm well aware that you two happened to defeat me for my Tag Titles back in August. But I was teaming with someone I hated and we all know how that went. So I wouldn't take that as much of an accomplishment. Some people have called you the future of this business and that may be true. Maybe one day you will be on top. But not before me. You've got ability and cunning..but you don't even know what to do with it yet. You are not the spark that's going to lead a revolution. All you are is another broken body to be left behind in these cages. Your bestie Gabriel can't help you in this match so that takes your threat level down a notch. And without him backing you up I know I can beat you. I think your Generation has some serious flaws and I'm not entirely sure you have the foresight to lead it. You two aren't as dominant as you once were. So there's only one thing left for you to do..


It's time for Tiffany to massacre herself once again. She's wearing a black shirt with that familiar "N" logo and a pair of wrestling trunks. She stands on a stool and begins to tie a noose around her neck that dangles from the ceiling. When she talks it's with Wade's rather thick and noticeable accent.  


| Tiffany | I'm Woooyd Barraht. And my loif is uh lie. 

She steps from the stool, helplessly dangles and then all motion begins to cease. From the camera's perspective, all you can see is her body swaying back and forth in a blurred shot behind me. It must look pretty unnerving.  

| Brian Kendrick | And then we have Paul Burchill. Paul is apparently a fan of mine. How sweet. Too bad I don't share his sentiment. I do sort of like that chick he hangs out with though. What's her face. Maybe if he let me borrow her for awhile I could..no, never mind. It still wouldn't be worth it to let you hang around and cramp my style. I can at least say this about you Burchill: you have good taste. You don't have a shot in this match but still..good taste. Alas, all you are is an English ruffian who has had a little bit of success. Decent enough but nothing spectacular. Your pal Drew realized that you were a sinking ship and ran for the hills as soon as he realized how much of a failure you were. Obviously you don't have any confidence in your own abilities as your already planning on going after the No-Limits title. Good luck with that. You've taken yourself out of the match before it even began and made my job all the more easier. I would shake your hand if touching but I get the feeling I would try and bite your nose off if I ever got that close to you.

Tiffany's next costume change leaves a little to be desired. She's simply clad in a black shirt with the words "I'm Paul Burchill" on it with an arrow pointed upwards, all in white letters. I guess I can't blame her all that much. I struggle to come up with a definitive personality traits for Burchill as well.

| Tiffany | I'm..Paul Burchill..and..uh..yeah. 

She tugs a plastic bag tightly over her own head and fights against herself. Eventually she loses this struggle and succumbs from the lack of oxygen. 

| Brian Kendrick | And finally we've reached the end. The Rock. The movie star. The house hold name. The--

 | Tiffany | Psst..   

| Brian Kendrick | What is it?


| Tiffany | I'm running out of ways to kill myself.


| Brian Kendrick | Be quiet. You're supposed to be dead.

After a little huff she removes the bag and crawls out of sight. With that out of the way, I can continue. It's so hard to find good help these days.


| Brian Kendrick | Where was I? Ah. The Rock. You have a lot of hype surrounding you but I've never understood any of it. All I ever saw was a bunch of tired catch phrases. Catch phrases that aren't even all that good. But you're are the millionaire so what do I know? You're a god to a lot of people. You've been on the cover of magazines. But do you know what I think? I think you're just a shallow little bitch. Someone that has been mass produced for easy consumption. I think you sold your soul a long, long time ago. You might be a big deal in Hollywood but you just don't have it in the ring anymore. You don't have that drive to compete and win. You might just be the biggest whore in this entire company. But I assume you've gotten so used to the taste of stardom that your entirely numb to the whole thing, aren't you? Some of the others might be stoked to be in a match with the all powerful Rock but not me. Getting a win over some disgraceful has-been isn't going to do a whole lot for my resume. Ten years ago maybe. But in 2010? It doesn't mean dick. How does that effect your ego, Rock? It has to hurt your pride. Your suffering is just beginning because your body is going to hurt a lot worse if you happen to end up in a cage with me. 

| Tiffany | If ya SMEEEEELLLLLL!

Poor girl. This has been a lot of work in a short amount of time. But that's why I have her around for. She's dressed like the Brahma Bull, Mr. Hollywood himself. Sunglasses, an expensive unbuttoned shirt, trunks with a angry looking steer on the ass and that silly eyebrow raised. Well, she gives it her best effort in any event. She tilts her head and straightens her shoulders before bringing the microphone she's welding to her lips.

| Tiffany | ..What THE ROCK..is..

An unfortunate series of events. Smoke begins to emit from the cord plugged into her microphone and soon the device itself. A wild electrical noise as her body begins to flail wildly in pain and smoke as well. The sunglasses shatter as her wide eyes fade out and she lands on her back with a sharp thud. Those performances deserve a round of applause so I grant her a few claps. She climbs to her feet and takes a couple of bows.


| Brian Kendrick | And that, thank God, was the very last one. I find the art of "cutting promo's" to be a tedious and dull affair so that took a lot of concentration on my part. But I hope that my opponents, even those with skulls so thick, get the message. Not a single one of you is walking through me without leaving with a few scars. Oh and I hope you all die. But that should be pretty evident at this point. I ran my mouth and now I've got something to prove. Right here, right now. And when I eliminate you lucky few, and exterminate your hopes, you can watch as I become your next champion. It doesn't matter to me who leaves the show with the title. Orton, Cena, Miz or Undertaker. But one of you will be seeing me very soon.

Pressing two fingers against my lips, I blow the camera a quick kiss. 
  
| Brian Kendrick | Dream about me..  

  
Nothing but static erupts after my parting words.