| Brian Kendrick | The things I have to do to become a World Champion. Last month it was three cages and this month it's thirty men. And every last person is going to say, "I'm going to go through twenty nine other men"..but they aren't. They're liars. If you come in at number fifteen you aren't going go through twenty nine men. But I actually have to do this. Why is that? Because I've drawn number one. I am the very first entrant in this years Royal Rumble. I've been told this was all luck of the draw but I don't believe it. I am not what anyone in charge wants to see as a World Champion. I don't look the right way, I don't act the right away and I don't give the right kind of promo. I am the most overlooked wrestler on this entire roster. I've pinned three former World Champions and one who just happens to be the current title holder. Jeff Hardy, CM Punk and Cena. And I am probably in the minority in thinking this but I AM World Champion material.
His clenched fists find themselves slammed onto the counter. The dozens of empty bottles on top of the refrigerator shake.
| Brian Kendrick | So even if I have to be dragged out of the ring, I am going to win this match. If I am pulverized and tortured, so be it. That's fine with me. I like to feel like I'm alive and that kind of constant agony will do just the trick. But I swear to god, if I'm not paralyzed when it's over, no one is ever going to screw with me again. When I main event WrestleMania, the pride and glory of this promotion, things are going to start going my way. What you perceive and what you expect from your champions are going to be drastically altered. And whether you like it or not, you are going to accept it. And if you don't accept it, I'm going to shove it down your throat. And if you resist or if you fight..you..can..CHOKE ON IT! It is time for the balance of power to shift and for the game to change. And I will GUT this company like a fish. Everything. Must. Change.
Fists meet counter once more, emphasizing those last three words with a pounding as they slip from his mouth. He feels it's time to retreat to somewhere with a little more room. Stepping into the living room, he shoves some fiend off of the green colored couch and slumps down to a sitting position. The guy was barely coherent so it was doubtful that he even noticed.
| Brian Kendrick | Tiffany.
| Tiffany | Coming, coming.
Tiffany carefully tip-toes over a few of the fallen bodies who are laying face first in their own filth and what have you. She adjusts her outfit and slips onto the couch, carrying a laptop in her arms. And that outfit is a form fitting black suit jacket and a white skirt. Very similar to her days as a GM back in the WWE. She smiles wide and broadly.
| Brian Kendrick | Did you do what I asked?
Kendrick's little blond friend gives the device a loving pat.
| Tiffany | I researched everyone who is in the Rumble. Since you said, and I quote, "I can't be bothered to acquaint myself with all of these douche bags".
| Brian Kendrick | I'm a busy man and twenty nine guys are a lot.
| Tiffany | First we have Brian Kendrick.
| Brian Kendrick | That's me, you moron. WHY do I keep you around? What purpose do you serve?
Without hesitation she sets the laptop on the cushion next to her and climbs to her feet. She grasps the tip of her foot as she bends her leg backwards to the point where it's nearly touching the back of her head. Admirable flexibility.
| Brian Kendrick | Ah. Very good. Carry on.
| Tiffany | Sean O' Haire.
After a few keystrokes O' Haire's picture pops up on the laptop's screen.
| Brian Kendrick | Snappy dresser.
| Tiffany | "Sean O' Haire was once a prominent and rising star within the ranks of EBWF. A dangerous opponent with a variety of skills, including a background in mixed martial arts. He is returning after a foray into MMA where he seeks to reach the potential many thought he could achieve".
| Brian Kendrick | So he's returning to reclaim some kind of fleeting, former glory. Admirable. Wait. Did I say admirable? I mean pathetic. And I get the feeling he wouldn't even be here if Dana White had come knocking on his door. Which obviously didn't happen. So he can now add that he's a failure in two different sports. Ooh. I wonder if that is going to upset him. Those MMA guys have anger issues, from what I've been able to gather. And awful tattoo's. But that's neither here nor there, is it? This guy could knock me out, I won't even doubt that. But he won't get the opportunity. If he's hoping Sunday is going to be his launching point back into the stardom he thinks he deserves he is going to be sorely disappointed. But at this point I'm going to assume he's used to disappointment.
| Tiffany | CM Punk. I think you two have met.
Kendrick quickly began to tense as he heard the name of the man he engaged in a lengthy and violent feud with some months ago.
| Brian Kendrick | We're very well acquainted. My polar opposite. I live life that way it's meant to be lived and he adheres to these strict guidelines. He doesn't need to do drugs or drink to have a good time but I do. This is why we never got along, even when we were tag team champions. I'm all about taking things in a new direction and he's stuck on his boring little routine. But I'm glad I'm going to get the chance to be in the same ring with him again. I've got one more chance to hurt him. And I never get tired of it! It's SO MUCH FUN! I could do it all day long because I just absolutely despise his tattooed, smug ASS! And the last time we wrestled you broke my nose so I've got your receipt coming, you bastard.
He was no longer interested in discussing his foe and former partner. After a violent hand flourish he shifted backwards onto the couch once again.
| Brian Kendrick | Next.
| Tiffany | Tyler Reks.
| Brian Kendrick | I have no idea who that is.
| Tiffany | That's what I'm here for!
Tiffany flipped the 'top around to show Brian Kendrick the file photo for the competitor hailing from Laguna Beach. He didn't budge an inch from his spot but began to wonder if he had perhaps partook a little too much. After a stretch of silence he offered a query.
| Brian Kendrick | He's a dinosaur?
| Tiffany | Tyler Reks. T.Reks. That is what I've been able to gather.
| Brian Kendrick | Whatever. Man, woman or beast. I don't care who are what is taking part in this. Is this some kind of stupid cross promotional deal? Are we that desperate to fill up spots?
| Tiffany | NBC should li--
| Brian Kendrick | Finish that sentence and I swear to god I'll find something to cut your throat out with.
| Tiffany | Moving right along. This is Robbie. E.
| Brian Kendrick | Killer abs, bro. Who is this?
| Tiffany | He's from The Jersey Shore. You know, the TV show?
| Brian Kendrick | No, I don't know. Another cross promotion. Are they that worried about a buy rate? Did I fall through a worm hole and end up in TNA?
| Tiffany | Oh! Jeff Jarrett is in this too. "Jeff Jarrett is the co-founder of--"
| Brian Kendrick | I know who Jeff Jarrett is. I was in talks with TNA before I ended up here again. They wanted me to wear a bathrobe and be a jedi or something equally as stupid. No wonder he jumped ship.
| Tiffany | Shelton Benjam--
He threw his head back and spread a hand over his face while groaning in horrible annoyance. A mutter under his breath sounded something like "oh my fucking god"
| Brian Kendrick | Can I just bring a knife into this thing and stab every last one of them?
| Tiffany | I believe that would be illegal. Both within the rules of the match and the rules of the law.
| Brian Kendrick | Listen to me. Stop naming off every last person in this damn thing that doesn't have the slightest chance in HELL of winning. I just want the actual contenders. Do you think you can do that for me?
His hands came to a rest on her shoulders and he leaned closer to her face. Tiffany gave a nervous smile to her off-kilter associate and nodded in compliance. She was quite aware of how unbalance he could become.
| Tiffany | Of course. But what about all of my research?
| Brian Kendrick | I don't care. Just give me the list.
| Tiffany | Christian Cage! Has achieved veteran status after finding success in every major promotion in the USA! The Unprettier is the way he prefers to secure his victories!
He wasn't entirely sure as to why she was speaking in her overly bubbly, dramatic "GM Voice" but he contributed this to hanging out too much with himself and Raven. It surely would have a noticable effect on just anyone.
| Brian Kendrick | The comedian. That really funny guy. Mr. Shoot Comment. Maybe he'll do something "edgy" like call me by my real name. ..See what I did there? Well, sadly for him, that tool is out of his arsenal so he's just going to have to get by with his startling good looks. He looks like a sickly, recovering patient and I wasn't even aware that he still worked here. From the last I've heard of him, he was on some crusade to remove any part of the company that he deemed "stupid". "Inane". "Laughable". Just like his chances of winning this Rumble. So, I'm glad that someone has decided to throw him a bone until someone else throws him out and sends him back to the land obscurity.
| Tiffany | Edge is a participant as well. The R-Rated Superstar! Canadian! Utilizes the Spear to finish off his opponents!
| Brian Kendrick | HE still works here? There are surely starving children somewhere that could use the money from the no doubt bloated paychecks he collects for doing nothing. "The R-Rated Superstar", huh? Maybe it's about time he got downgraded to PG-13. The R-Rating pushes boundaries. If that's the case then I am NC-17. Unfit for mass consumption but it's a stigma that I don't mind carrying. I wonder if Edge still has it in him to live up to his moniker? Graphic violence and extreme content. I don't think he can do it. I'm sure he's going to make some funny jokes but none of them are going to be as funny as the thud he makes when he SMACKS face first onto the ground.
| Tiffany | But what if Edge and Christian get the chance to team up together? They could do some real damage.
| Brian Kendrick | Oh, I'm sure the fans would just be pleased as punch. But I don't really care if they are able to reunite their nostalgia comedy tour. I care about winning this match. And neither one of them can stop me from doing that.
| Tiffany | Matt and Jeff Hardy. Another legendary pairing that could reunite during the match. Hailing from North Carolina! Innovates of such maneuvers as The Twist of Fate, The Swanton Bomb and Poetry in Motion! One of the most recognized teams in the last decade!
| Brian Kendrick | Well, I definitely don't have as many twitter followers as Matt so he has the advantage on me there. Well, except for the fact that his spineless, moronic fan base can't actually help him in any way, shape or form. I'm sure the internet will cave in on itself when he's thrown up and over the ropes. And Jeff? I pinned Jeff Hardy last month. Besides, I assume he's going to be too busy huffing paint fumes from those "masterpieces" he works so hard on to actually show up in any shape to perform. I'm no art critic but if I were you I wouldn't quit my day job. And, to be perfectly honest with you, beating him last month didn't take that much effort. The guy lost his "IT" years ago and doesn't realize he's never going to find it again, no matter how much self-medication he practices.
| Tiffany | The Undertaker. The phenom! The master of the Tombstone Piledriver and The Choke Slam! Catch phrase: Rest in Peace! A force in the world of Sports Entertainment for many years!
He paused. That was not a name he had expected to be amongst the chosen field.
| Brian Kendrick | He can still walk? I thought I had killed him when I threw him off that stage at the beginning of the year.
| Tiffany | My research shows that while he has not been seen since that time he is still listed to be appear this Sunday.
| Brian Kendrick | I guess that "Dead Man" nickname isn't just for show, is it? That's fine. I don't mind killing him again. Maybe this time he have enough sense to stay down. I don't think it would take much convincing to enlist a few others to help dump his gigantic seven foot whatever frame to the outside. If he is seriously itching for another shot at me I'm sure I could devise a way to ensure he doesn't rise from his grave again. I know a lot have tried but I would like to think that I'm above the curve.
| Tiffany | May I have your attention please!
Tiffany stood up and held a hand high above her head. The wasted party goers were too busy wrapped up in their destructive behavior to pay very much attention.
| Tiffany | I have received an e-mail from our general manager!
It was at this point that Kendrick had realized that, in fact, this woman's mind was not what it used to be.
| Tiffany | And I quote...Mr. Kennedy is also competing in the Royal Rumble! The Loudmouthed Asshole is making his return this Sunday! He could very well be on his way to a World Title shot at Wrestlemania!
She sits and places her hands back onto the keyboard of the laptop.
| Brian Kendrick | Right. Kennedy, from what I've come to understand, has always been just below the level of a World Champion. Try as he might, he is never able to take that extra step. This story, this nightmare, is going to keep repeating for him after Sunday. Sure, he'll toss out a few guys. He'll make a strong showing. But when it's over he'll be in that same position he can't seem to fight free from. This is his way in life and as soon as he comes to grip with this, the quicker he can stop trying and find another path in life. And I suggest that he find it soon before someone like me leaves him in a wheel chair.
| Tiffany | Ted DiBiase and Ezekiel Jackson! The current reigning Tag Team Champions!
| Brian Kendrick | These two are going to try and work as a cohesive unit. So I wonder how well a tag team is going to work when something like this is on the line? Do you think DiBiase would hesitate for a second to toss out his partner if he had the chance? I mean, he is a former World Champion after all. There isn't any way he doesn't that kind of spotlight again. They will never get along in this kind of environment. Someone like me will take advantage of that and I'm far from the only one who would jump all over that chance. But I'm the one who would do it the most effectively. Greed's going to set in and ruin whatever chance these two may have had.
| Tiffany | And we have The Miz! The lucky superstar who has drawn number thirty into the Rumble match!
| Brian Kendrick | I guess I should thank him for helping me murder The Undertaker. But I didn't ask for his help and I didn't need it. I don't know why this guy has so much hype. I mean, he lost his title to a voice recording. Hardly seems like someone I should be sweating. And it's going to suck for you, I mean really really suck, when you don't win this thing when you've got the biggest advantage you could possibly have. I imagine it's going to be hard to sleep for a guy like you, a guy packing around that much of an ego. That is a real pity, just a real shame. And someone might actually feel bad for you if you weren't the most obnoxious little prick walk the face of the Earth.
| Tiffany | And we have reached Randy Orton! The longest reigning World Champion in EBWF history!
| Brian Kendrick | The Silent Assassin, The Killer, The Viper...I'm not sure how many god damn nicknames someone needs to make themselves feel important but I have one more for him. The Human Target. I'm aware that during his run as champion he had people gunning for him but things haven't changed. Everyone is going to be looking to eliminate you. Me in particular. Just so I can see a crack in that robotic visage of yours. I want to see your eyes flare open in disbelief, I want to see some emotion on that dead face. I want it to sink in that you are not going to be main eventing another WrestleMania and it's all going to be because of me. Or hell, it doesn't have to be me. It can be any old nobody. I just want to see you lose it, throw a fit and RKO a bunch of officials backstage. Fun for the whole family.
| Tiffany | I believe that would cover most of the participants who insiders believe have the best chances of winning.
| Brian Kendrick | Fantastic. You can go away now. Camera man, come closer. Now. GET CLOSER!
Tiffany quickly fled from the couch after the outburst. Kendrick took a hold of the camera's lens, dragging it forward while keeping a firm grip on it.
| Brian Kendrick | It is a mistake that I am in the Royal Rumble. Because I should be facing John Cena for the World Title. But I am going to make up for that by going through nearly the entire roster, one way or another. I will stare down every last one of you and watch as your eliminated one by one. And when it's done, and I can barely stand up, I am going to laugh. Do you hear me? I'll laugh my ass off. Because NONE OF YOU will have had what it took to have gotten rid of me. And with my victory, I will go onto WrestleMania..I will break the spirit of whomever the champion happens to be and then..then..I don't know what I'll do! I'm like a dog chasing a car! I don't know what I'll do once I have it! But it's going to be..something special. I can guarantee you that much. So you might..want to start panicking..and losing your minds..
The scene faded out.
