Amongst The People

I'm bored. And I don't like it when I'm bored. I really don't. And what else could I possibly be when I've been sitting her signing autographs for the past hour? They have me sitting behind this table, in some park, squeezed beside some others from the roster but it's just a bunch of bodies with blurred faces. I'm doing what I can to entertain myself here. In place of signatures I've drawn obscene doodles, satanic references and whatever else I can to get a rise out of someone. They all must be too starstruck to notice. What a bore. A rather shapely young woman slides me an 8x10 of myself and I give it a quick study. Horrible picture. Not even my best side. I turn my sight towards her.

| Brian Kendrick | Hello mam. Would you be interested in some sexual positions and emotional investments?

She looks offended. She snatches the photo back and storms off in a huff. I guess that must have been a "no". Enough of this. It's time for me to break up this monotonous routine. 

| Brian Kendrick | Ladies and gentlemen.. 

I climb onto the table and clear my throat, drawing the focus solely upon myself. They boo. They heckle. I am unaffected.

| Brian Kendrick | It is my pleasure to be here with all of you on this wonderful afternoon. I am all about the fans, this is Fanniversary weekend, and I couldn't be happier. You are all collectively the light that guides my path. And I know that all of you will  shine your brightest when I step out into the..whatever the arena is called..and do battle with Austin Aries. If you would, join me in a rousing chant. Are you up for it?

It really doesn't matter if they are because I am. I begin to clap my hands in a slow, unpractical manner and start a chant that's both impossible to follow and grating. And one devoid of any emotion of spirit.

| Brian Kendrick | "..Let's..go..Brian..Kendrick..beat..Austin Aries..and win this..match..for us because we all..love..you..so much. Make him..sorry he was ever..born..and.."

..Over your heads? It's fine. Practice at home.

They didn't seem to be terribly enthused by that but my next trick will have them going wild. There is a sizable monitor behind the signing table that's showing highlights of and in-ring action and various promo work. It's time for something a little more interesting. A tiny, white remote I have in my palm turns the footage into a scrambled mess after I direct it towards the screen.

| Brian Kendrick | And since this is such a special occasion, I've got something I would like to unveil to all of you. My people. It's my new segment on EBWF.com. It's called "Three Questions With The Champ" and you all get to see it before anyone else on the planet. ..Aren't you lucky? Let's all take a look.   

At one point in time, John Cena had a segment by a very similar name. This is nothing like that. While his version was HD quality with a nice little graphic of his name swirling about behind him, mine looks more like a ransom video. Or an execution. The room is white, purposefully grainy and I'm sitting in a simple chair with a stack of paper in my lap. Its looks as though I've been on a bender and it shows. Why only three? I'm not a sadist.

| Brian Kendrick | Dot com. What's good? Let me welcome you to the very first installment of "Three Questions With The Champ". Fanniversary is coming up, the hottest event of the Fall, so let's just get right into it. This first question comes from Alex. 

Plucking the first sheet of paper from my lap, I give it a quick skim with my eyes before beginning to read aloud.

| Brian Kendrick | "I now yuu travel arounde teh wurld a lot and I wuz wandering what is yuur favorite city in the U.S.A". First, Alex, let me compliment you on at least being able to spell your name correctly. Dream big. As for your question..my favorite city is the next one. Each and every night is a great experience and EBWF fans are the best in the world. Excitement. Enjoyment. It is a honor for me to go to-

I'm briefly interrupted by a yawn, lazily resting a palm along the left side of my face.

| Brian Kendrick | ..each and every city around the globe and not just in the United States. I cherish the love you all show for me. Really. Except for Milwaukee, Wisconsin which happens to be the home of Austin Aries. It also happens to be the largest home for child pornographers anywhere on the planet. Fact. 

As I don't have any fancy graphics to send me off to my second question, I simply hold up a pair of fingers to illustrate this. 

| Brian Kendrick | "Brian, I've heard that you are facing Austin Aries at Fanniversary. Could you do an impression of your favorite celebrity cutting a promo on him? From Suzie." Suzie, not only can I do this but I would absolutely love to. Catering to the every whim and desire of my fan-base brings me such pleasure. And my favorite celebrity was the late great Michael Jackson and I've been told that I do a spot-on impersonation. ..Here..we..go..

Slowly swiping my hand over my face allows me to drift into my caricature of the King of Pop. Although I make no effort at all to replicate his well known voice and speak only in a dead pan and totally dead pitch.

| Brian Kendrick | Hey Aries. Do you wanna be startin' something? I'll show you who's really bad. If I were you I would beat it because I won't stop until I get enough.   

As if expecting a standing ovation I take a bow in my seat and humbly give a smile to all of those who more than likely gave a thousand yard stare to my masterful impersonation.

| Brian Kendrick | A little rusty but I still think that is one my best. One final question. A terrible shame, I wish I had time to answer every single one of them. This is from Lou. He writes: "I have a crush on a girl in my school and I want to get her to notice me. What should I do? Do you have any tips?" It's simple. Just be yourself. If she notices you, she notices you. If not..it wasn't meant to be. Don't leave threatening voice mails. Those can be traced. Just tell her that you couldn't bare it if you weren't able to touch her. It doesn't matter if you scare her. If you feel a chemical reaction towards her you shouldn't let anything get in the way of that. And if she doesn't like your skin maybe you should try using someone else's..

A long, uncomfortable pause ensues as I stare into the camera, unblinking.

| Brian Kendrick | Keep sending those e-mails.    

The fan's boo as the footage returns to scrambled nothingness. Probably having grown weary of the autograph line grinding to a total halt. I give them a few waves, blow a few kisses and climb down from the table and head away from the cattle. Someone is calling out my name but it isn't a fan. My pace slows as I glance over my shoulder to see Michael Cole trailing along behind me.

| Michael Cole | That was amazing. You really are a champion these people can look up to!

| Brian Kendrick | Michael Cole, if it were up to me you would be the lead announcer on Warfare. The fact that you aren't shows the lack of vision this company sometimes, and unfortunately, has. 

| Michael Cole | I couldn't agree more! Is there any way I could perhaps get a few more comments regarding your match? The people just can't enough of their champion.

| Brian Kendrick | My work is never done. But anything for the people. 

Turning, I give the announcer a warm pat on the shoulder and lean my back against a tree that this park is littered with.  He just looks overjoyed that someone else actually thinks he is good at his job.

| Michael Cole | As we all know, you are going up against former X-Division Champion Austin Aries. You are both coming off of losses and this would seem to be a crucial match for the both of you.

| Brian Kendrick | I'm actually very happy to be facing Austin Aries. Because, despite everything he lacks, he's actually a wrestler. He's a human being. He's not a vampire or a werewolf or someone pretending to be something that he isn't. He's going to fight me and I won't have to worry about him bringing an entire army down to the ring with him. I won't have to worry about him turning off the lights, like a coward, like a little bitch in order to get a win over me. So I'm pleased with that. And you think this is an important match for me?

| Michael Cole | Well, yes, I would say so.

| Brian Kendrick | Unlike everyone else, I don't really take much stock into wins and losses. I don't necessarily even care about winning titles. I don't want to stand here and bore myself while telling you how good I am, even though I am. It's boring. It's routine and it  doesn't interest me. Talking with you right now is actually kind of dull as well. I'm not after what everyone else is..I just want to mix things up. I want to..alter conceptions. But I'm bored right now and when I'm bored I can't really be responsible for my actions. I really can't be held accountable for what I might do to Austin Aries. He may want to kiss his wife and kids goodbye, if he has them, because he might not be around anymore.  

| Michael Cole | Are you saying you're planning on taking Austin Aries out?

| Brian Kendrick | Yeah. I kind of feel like it might be going towards that path.

A quick, casual shrug accompanies such an intention of harm.


| Michael Cole | Some people feel as though if you can't compete at a superior level you don't belong in EBWF. So while I can't condone that I do understand. But he is former title holder here as well as Ring of Honor so that might not be very easy.

| Brian Kendrick | It isn't all that difficult. He might have won some titles but he is still only a human being. No matter what your position is, or what you might have accomplished, if you put someone into an uncomfortable place they are going to show you the same thing. Fear. The brave, the bold, the courageous..it really makes no difference. And I like to live without regrets so when I start hitting Austin I'm not going to stop until I'm completely satisfied. Maybe if the entire locker room clears out and pulls me off, maybe then I'll stop. And this is not 'I'm going to get you' wrestler talk. I legitimately plan on making it so Austin Aries never has another match in this company again. Not only because he won't be physically able but because he won't be able to see a ring or an arena without remembering what I did to him. This is what I have to do to keep myself entertained, Michael. And on Sunday I'm going to have the time of my life.

I'm done with all of this tedious chatter. I continue the way I was headed before Cole intercepted me. If the camera man is any good at his job this would probably when he shut off his equipment.